LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot, have inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.)
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3 : Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.)
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant ‘You looked up,’ or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 9: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.
LAW 10: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 11: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law, does not come close.)
LAW 12: Golf balls from the same ‘sleeve’ tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See LAW # 3).
LAW 13: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 14: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 15: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 16: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 17: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sun sets.
LAW 18: Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
LAW 19: When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you should have continued watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
LAW 20: The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your swing.
LAW 21: If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.
LAW 22: Golfers who claim they don’t cheat, also lie.
LAW 23: A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
LAW 24: It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
LAW 25: Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
LAW 26: Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
LAW 27: It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
LAW 28: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
LAW 29: You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
LAW 30: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
LAW 31: If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
LAW 32: There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
LAW 33: Hazards attract; fairways repel.
LAW 34: You can put ‘draw’ on the ball, you can put ‘fade’ on the ball, but no golfer can put ‘straight’ on the ball.
LAW 35: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
LAW 36: Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.